The Man from Florida

Aha... back! Kiss me!

Jenzilla, I thank you for stopping by and taking my test. You passed ;) I will away to your sandy shores soon enough and do the same for you.

Of course, I say "sandy shores" but am well aware that you, like Annex herself, come from the frigid north, a hellish climate-challenged region from which no Texan e'er returned alive. I'm kidding; I love to ski. Regardless, welcome.

I was going to make this all a comment on the last post until it began to balloon into something more. So, I exercised my executive veto and made it a post of its own. (I got a weird visual of myself, as alter-ego ruby_maser and dressed as my profile shows, about to address the nation. Vote for me, vote for change :p )

Anyway, the skinny goes like this: Florida was great, the casinos done me wrong, I was not eaten by any sharks, I went places, saw things, and I promise to make a post about it very soon.

"I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?" :p The movie is... Grosse Point Blank, and no, I'm not a professional killer. More importantly though, I included it as proof that I'm not dodging the backstory.

It's just time to play catch-up with internet access. It didn't materialize in Florida, as one might imagine. If I know you, Ms. Von Token, I've missed sixty-three posts in my absence :D

Now, onward, forward. A million things to do. A million ways in which I need to catch up. I must answer that letter from the Queen. (hat-tip the original Willy Wonka)

[running around like Larry, Curly, and Moe all rolled into one]

You asked for it...

Tag. You're it.

Now, I know the audience I have at this blog. If you've wandered in off the digital super-highway, you sure haven't left your mark to tell us you were here, and I actually allow anonymous posters, damnit! Is it because I curse? Have I offended those damned ears of yours? Are you prejudiced against people who wear derby hats and suspenderoos? Are horrified by the fact that my profile has only one eye, no mouth, and no nose? I was just in an industrial accident! Leave me alone!

We all know where the burden lies in responding to this post. Steven Speilberg is encouraged to respond as well since I intend to slander him in a future blog entry.

[Tapping foot] On with it. :D

[Amended note]: For any innocent bystanders who happen upon this list and want a crack at it, just copy and paste into my comments section for this entry. On your marks... get sets... goes!

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When’s the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Indictment of Me 2

Well, my legitimate reasons to despise Speilberg post will have to wait. It has been pre-empted so that I can bring to you, ahem, more pressing matters at the behest of another. Ah, the 'excruciating minutia' of who I am, as Elaine put it. Oh, boy. Here we go...

What I was doing:

10 years ago:

I was graduating from high school. I continued to work a part time job as a stocker at a local grocery store throughout the summer before I headed off to college in the fall. Not much more to say.

5 years ago:

I was finally in the College of Architecture after I meandered through several different career paths, including psychology, journalism, and criminal justice. I would have been just about to start my upper level studios.

A good friend of mine had just bailed out of our lease and went back to Houston, thereby eroding my confidence in whether we were seeing eye to eye in terms of our friendship. You see, it was very selfish, and I would have never done it to him.

I was finishing up a stint working as a technician at a computer systems company. They offered high-tech training that they only half-heartedly delivered, and they had me laboriously cleaning and repairing faulty keyboards. Nine months of breathing in flux was enough for me. See ya.

I was shortly to take a job working for a concessions and entertainment food services company that my college contracted out to. It was a decrease in pay and was far more physically demanding, but it gave me the opportunity to move around and kept me occupied with a variety of tasks that didn't bore me to tears. One highlight was getting to work the school's football games. They were thirteen hour days that were so chock full of activity that they went by in a flash. A word of warning: never eat the popcorn.

Yesterday: (2 days ago now since this post took so long)

Yesterday was all about inactivity. I watched the British Open golf tournament for awhile and played guitar in the morning. (I'm not the biggest golf fan, but there was some drama there with Tiger on the hunt and pitted against a local favorite.) In the afternoon, I went and ate dinner with my Mom. Afterwards, I tooled around on the internet for awhile. In the evening, I thought I might have gone out with some friends, but it fell through. It's just as well though because I had to get up this morning and drive to Beaumont to see my father's side of the family.

5 snacks I enjoy:

I can eat fresh tomatoes like apples
Pringles (once I pop, I... well, I can stop. Really.)
Cereals (it works for any meal)
Nutty Buddies (waffle ice cream cones w/ that chocolate at the bottom, very rarely do I indulge but they are good enough to remember)
Plums or nectarines (slightly under-ripe is best)

5 Things I would do with $100 million:

Two women at the same time (Office Space, anyone!?) :D
Forgive me. I couldn't resist. Now, on to the other four... er, I mean the real five ;)

Go back to school and get a master's degree in film production. Upon graduation, I'd start financing my own productions with the 99.9 mil and change that I'd have left over.
Assist family and friends financially.
Start a foundation or charity of my own that would have some particular focus.
Become a modest benefactor of the arts
Enjoy a life of Riley

5 locations I would like to run away to:

Europe (all over it if ever I can, it's so culturally rich)
Japan (I could get 'lost in translation' with Scarlett Johansson anyday)
American Southwest (troll around the desert and end up in Vegas)
Any number of islands that claim to be the exotic island paradise
Australia

5 bad habits I have:

Procrastinator
I do not have a "woman's touch" around the house
Need better exercise (recently begun to turn this around)
Not very punctual
I let Houston driving get me frustrated at time (vast improvement recently though)

5 things I like doing:

Guitar
Chess
Love art (creating it, sharing it, experiencing it, etc.)
Big movie nut
Blogging

5 things I would never wear:

For the record, Annex, pretty much everything you named applies to me, too. :p

In sum, all women's clothes
For the most part, any hats, ballcaps, etc.
Cowboy paraphenalia -- I'm no urban cowboy
Speedo, leave that to the French
Bowties

5 TV shows I like:
(Disclaimer: I don't have cable at my apartment)

Seinfeld (in syndication)
The Daily Show w/ John Stewart (funny stuff, cable though)
Austin City Limits (a live music revue on PBS)
Letterman (haha :)
Inside the Actors Studio (interesting stuff, cable though)

5 Biggest joys of the moment:

Living on my own
Vacation to Florida coming at the week's end
Trip to a casino to precede the Florida trip at the week's end (I'm a Texas Hold 'em fan)
Getting back to writing poetry -- I'm not diligent enough about it
Feeling good about exercising more

5 Favorite toys:

Guitar
Computer and, one day soon, scanner
DVD player for the movies
Radio for the music
I'll dig out the film camera and make it five

5 Songs I know all the words to:
I'm a music fan, and I probably know the words to more than five songs, so here are five that I know the words to and would recommend everyone else learn the words to :p

"Under the Bridge" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Plush" - Stone Temple Pilots
"Alive" - Pearl Jam
"Teardrop" - Massive Attack
"Wandering Star" - Portishead


Finito. As George from Seinfeld would say, "So, that's it. All of my darkest fears and... everything I'm capable of. That's me."

Jerry: Yikes. Well, good luck with all that. :)

Until then...

The Man from India

I received a call yesterday whilst at work. To elaborate:

Judging by his accent, it was a man from India who was running down the street with a cell phone he stole from an unsuspecting citizen in broad daylight. He must have dialed in clipped fragments as he ran. Dialing a phone number is an almost universal language, but he only just managed the vocabulary because he was encumbered by... hand-cuffs!?

He'd have been jumping hedgerows like hurdles and sprinting in ridiculous fashion without moving his arms because of the restraints. Breathless, running from his pursuers, towards his destiny, he must have forged in his brain what seemed a devilishly-simple plan to thwart his persistent enemies. What foresight did it take to call here, exhausted from the chase, almost unintelligible through the gasping for air, panic creeping?

Aha! He would call us, ask for my boss, urgently petition this architecture firm for the construction of brick wall just behind him. Lightning quick, he would run by. Once passed, it would be only a matter of moments before those that gave chase would splat into it at a dead run and peel off flat as a pancake and red-faced to hear the uproarious hilarity of a laugh track churning out the din of a million unsympathetic chuckles.

And if not that, maybe we could finesse an alternate escape plan for him. Perhaps, with cartoon-quick gestures of a enormous paintbrush held by some unknown, omniscient mute, we could create for him a hideout that he could lay low in, or, better still, a rabbit hole for him to disappear down before our giant eraser removes it just in time to see Elmer Fudd, decked out like a British policeman, do a swandive right into the gentle earth. All while campy cartoon orchestration modulates seamlessly with all the slapstick antics and pratfalls

But this is no Bugs Bunny sketch. No, our fugitive is in no way meant to be construed as a replacement for that wascally wabbit. Bugs' confident swagger has no animated equal. This guy, on the other hand, seemed an awkward, hapless, newly-liberated jailbird on the run from Johnny Law, with ball and chain in tow, black and white striped pajamas and all. This is the high anxiety of the Stooges combined with the high technology of a cell phone tracing across time and space to find our office, all set to a high-energy musical arrangement that echoes the madcap intensity, the side-splitting insanity of it all.

Unfortunately, he did not get his reprieve. My boss was not here yesterday. His call came to me instead. And, albeit attentive as I was, I could not duplicate his tempo. The humor of a man caught up full-steam going Mach 2 and having a conversation with another who, stoic and unperturbed, idled at a drive-thru window to pick up a milk shake before a ride in the country -- well, that humor seemed lost on him.

I think he must still be running even at this very minute, a Hindu Forrest Gump ex-con criss-crossing the countryside in search of safe haven from the onslaught of invisible enemies that no one else can see, our work number scrawled on his arm in black Sharpie, his jet-black hair frazzled like a spent match and high as smoke stack.

I would have liked to have helped him, but I didn't want to spill my milkshake. :p

--------------------------------------------------------
I got a call alright. Didn't get much out of the guy that would have lead me to believe it was anything other than the story that I just unfolded for ya. :)

That's my attempt at turning a mundane daily occurence into a blog-worthy post.

Coming up next post, on a bit of a more serious note: a number of reasons why you should hate Stephen Speilberg. ... I'm not kidding :D

Ode to Guitar

If I taught a class in guitar, I'd be the fiendish instructor a la Ben Stiller's turn as a nursing home attendant in Happy Gilmore.

guitar_whiner: "My fingers hurt!"
guitar_maser (me): "Your fingers hurt!? Well, guess what? You just pulled lawn duty. Now, your back's gonna hurt, too. Anyone else's fingers hurt? ...I didn't think so."

For some reason, right then, I thought of Annex's fantasy sequence as a dominatrix whipping her little man-boys into shape. I'm gonna stop just shy of that level of commitment to my student's success with the guitar, but nevertheless, let it be known: [drill sergeant mode on] I will motivate you, and you will improve!

(Disclaimer: All for just five easy payments of $99.99)

ruby_Reader: What!? What was that!?
guitar_maser: Huh? Oh, nevermind that. Say nothing to no one.

Back to what I was saying. You're fingers are supposed to hurt. As the myth met the man that was Stevie Ray Vaughn, some people claimed that he used to play until his fingers bled and his callouses came off. Then, just when common sense tells most of us to stop and regroup, he'd glue them back on with superglue and play some more. Right...

Don't get me wrong. Stevie is a good reason to pick up a guitar. Just, please, don't delude yourself into believing in overnight success of that caliber, but don't go believing that isn't within your reach if you want it badly enough.

I've seen infommercials on television that paint suspicious tableaus where smiling, neophyte guitarists strum imitation guitars while awe-struck family and friends look on with infinite pleasure and enjoyment. I've always been somewhat offended by them. As if to sell their second-rate wares, they needed most to stroke their customers' latent, egotistical desire to be in the spotlight all while telling them they can have it all now.

They typically couple such lovely pictures with those of people taking lessons and getting nowhere. Their overly-theatrical frustrations illustrated in their slumped posture and negative body language while some voice-over personality tells you it doesn't have to be like that.

Aside: If I was going to buy a guitar and video lessons from an infommercial, I'd want the guitar to be made out of chocolate. That way, I could nibble on it between songs. Eventually, instead of changing strings, you could go out and buy another Hershey's Guitar Bar and start all over again.

Anyway, where was I.... They say it doesn't have to be like that. Well, guess what... it does have to be like that. I don't want to be touchy about it, but I don't want to see people duped into buying a shoddy product for the wrong reasons either (or even the right reasons if you lack the determination to see it through)... unless it's edible, in which case, go ahead. If all you wanted was "chicks and money", the brass ring at the end, the destination without the journey, you will never be anything more than a competent fake when it comes to guitar.

(Disclaimer: All this advice is coming from a competent fake when it comes to guitar)

ruby_Reader: What!? There is was again. I thought I heard something.
guitar_maser: Hmm, I didn't hear anything. Better watch that hearing. You'll need that if you want play guitar.

Hehe, alright, I can't help but break out and talk about the guitar in terms of what is has done for me. I've taken a year of piano lessons. All it ever did was warm me up for typing class, and I love to listen to piano. I just never found the motivation to stick with it.

I've taken three years of saxophone in middle school. All it ever taught me to do was blow hot air. I'm great at that. Again, though, I "blew it" when it came to practicing (spelled correctly this time, Ms. Somebody).

However, by the end of high school, my father, daddy_maser, had been pushing me to get involved in guitar. He was a guitar pusher. It was crack to him, and I was just another impressionable kindergartener with a bankroll large enough to finance a burgeoning habit.

At that point, he'd been playing guitar for twenty years or more. He never delved so deep as I into the technical aspects (and there is far deeper one could go), but he has been enjoying writing, playing, and, uh, singing (?) singer/songwriter type material for as long as I can remember.

After several years thereabouts of just saying "No" to him, he finally got me hooked. I marvelled at my stupidity at daudling around when I could have been that much further along. From then on, I began to graduate through the ranks of junkiedom. Metaphorically, it's just like Michael Keaton told his son Kenny in Mr. Mom: "Now, listen to me. I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies, and you think they are great...and they are. They are terrific, but pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, maybe even a quilt. Then the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads."

[standing up in audience]
My name is ruby_maser. I have a problem.

Not really. I've owned at one time as many as three guitars. But daddy_maser, ever the wise guitar pusher, warned me never to have more than three. From Fear and Loathing, "Once you get locked into a serious [guitar] collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can."

For one thing, and get this, you can't play them all at once. I've tried. I've also ended up looking like a deflated accordion after a marathon game of Twister. Ouch.

Another thing, unless you're buying your guitars at Target, (We sold two for a while when I was serving time there -- a three year sentence all for just applying for a job with them, go figure.) they can be fairly expensive. Baseball cards are a far cheaper alternative for the average collector, and if you are bummed out about not getting musical fulfillment from them, you can put them in the spokes of your bike tires and ride around. Sheer bliss!

Personally, I have never officially played in a band. Not even through the college years. I was close when rooming with two friends I went to high school with. One was a virtuoso that could translate musical ability to any damn instrument he wanted (prick). He excelled at bass and guitar with a minor flair for keyboards, violin, and later the drums.. The other was a newbie to the scene that started out with guitar not long after I started, moved to bass briefly, and then finally found that he was almost a natural with the drums.

We had a trio, minus a qualified singer of course, that could have gone out and had a really good time of performing. We were in college. Life was good.

What happened? Yoko Ono happened. Just kidding. She was the best thing that could have happened to him, I would say. And he damn well better agree; he married her. But not before he moved off to SC to be with her. It was serendipity that they met, and I'm glad he's happy. But what the hell is in South Carolina for you, buddy? Oh, her parents are out there. Hmm, I see.

The other is still hanging around Houston, squandering his talent with apathy. A good friend he is but inexplicably nonchalant when it comes to the music he excels at so much. Maybe, it came too easy. With a bit more fire, we could have built a nice little hobby, and we still can. He only recently told me that he is going to turn a room of his house into a recording room. I told him I knew a guitarist that would be happy to join in. We'll have to wait and see.

In the meantime, I continue to pick. I play a range of things from Stone Temple Pilots to Led Zeppelin, Metallica to Dave Matthews. I rarely play songs to completion, and I prefer to make up riffs and solos. Ironically, though I've written poetry for years, I've never tried to combine that with the music.

To sum up (and I'm pressing because it grows late), I recommend it to anyone who wants to play. It has been a great hobby for me. And it keeps you learning, even after graduations say stop.

I wanted to post a pic but couldn't because I was unable to get access to a working scanner (ahem!) today. Maybe tomorrow I'll do a follow-up post. I imagine I could go on at length about guitar and music, but my eyes grow drowsy. I'm melting. MELTING!

:) Goodnight all.

Indictment of Me

From Annex's http://donteattoken.blogspot.com (why can't I call it something else? I know I should be able to)

I sinfully well-organized list of all my trangressions. I'm sure I will continue to add to it... within reason, people. ;)


>(/) crashed a friend's car -- crashed into a friend's car, debated driving off before my conscience got the better of me
>( ) stolen a car
>( ) been in love -- never met her... yet
>(X) shoplifted -- worked at grocery store once, can't deny taking free samples a few times when I was young and stupid
>( ) been fired -- had some strikes against me for lateness though
>(X) been in a fight
>( )snuck out of your parent's house
>(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back -- more than once
>( ) been arrested -- I'm letting the bad kharma build a bit longer
>(/) made out with a stranger -- had just met her that night, didn't sleep with her though
>(X) gone on a blind date
>(X) lied to a friend -- can't remember off-hand, but I still would guess I have
>( ) had a crush on a teacher
>( ) skipped school -- I was a good little school boy
>( ) slept with a co-worker --
>( ) seen someone die -- so far, I've been elsewhere
>( ) had a crush on one of your myspace/facebook/etc friends -- yeah, what?
>( ) been to Canada
>( ) been to Mexico -- looked over the river at it though
>(X) been on a plane
>( ) thrown up in a bar in Mexico -- still planning on it
>( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire -- accidentally done so
>( ) eaten Sushi
>(X) been snowboarding -- tried it, but have yet to master it
>( ) met someone in person from myspace/facebook/etc -- no, I think (?)
>(X) been moshing at a concert
>( ) been in an abusive relationship -- my Momma raised me right
>(X) taken painkillers
>( ) love someone or miss someone right now -- my family will always warrant an X but I think it is referring to a significant other
>(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
>( ) made a snow angel -- I live in Texas, what is this "snow" substance you speak of ;)
>( ) had a tea party
>(X) flown a kite
>(X) built a sand castle
>(X) gone puddle jumping
>( ) played dress up
>(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
>( ) gone sledding -- again , I live in Texas
>(X) cheated while playing a game -- Grampa was a bad influence there
>(X) been lonely
>(X) fallen asleep at work/school -- thankfully, yes
>( ) used a fake ID
>(X) watched the sun set
>( ) felt an earthquake
>(X) touched a snake
>(/) smoked a cigarette -- I have taken a drag or two in my time, but I've never inhaled :p Seriously, though, I don't smoke
>( ) smoked a cigar
>(X) slept beneath the stars -- ah, camping out
>(X) been tickled -- it's my kryptonite, it is
>(X) been robbed -- my vehicle was broken into before
>(X) been misunderstood -- I didn't catch that. What?
>(X) pet a reindeer/goat -- petting zoo flashback
>(X) won a contest -- if pool tournaments count as contests, yes
>(X) run a red light -- I always pleaded no contest, which is not an admission of guilt
>( ) been suspended from school -- no, but I've stolen someone else's reason that I wasn't suspended from school :p Detention was the worst they could do me for
>(X) been in a car accident -- none that were the other guy's fault though
>(X) had braces & AN EXPANSION BAR -- actually, had 'em both, too
>(X) felt like an outcast
>( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night -- I'm sure I've eaten a "pint" of ice cream (which isn't that much). Surely, they mean a half gallon, right? If so, then no.
>(X) had deja vu -- didn't you just ask me that? (Thx to Bill Murray there)
>( ) danced in the moonlight
>(X) hated the way you look
>(X) witnessed a crime -- you'll have to speak with my attorney :)
>(X) questioned your heart
>( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
>(X) squished barefoot through the mud
>(X) been lost
>(X) been to the opposite side of the country -- from Texas, I've been north as far as Indiana, east as far as Florida, and west as far as New Mexico. I've got very little mileage, and I don't mind being used. Want to buy me?
>(X) swam in the ocean -- Gulf of Mexico and Atlantic
>(X) felt like dying
>(X) played cops and robbers -- my father's old neighborhood was built for little kids to rule
>( ) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers -- actually, not in a while, but I love Prisma colors
>(X) sung karaoke -- there is no record of it... I hope
>( ) paid for a meal with only coins
>(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
>( ) made prank phone calls
>(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose --
>(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
>(X) danced in the rain
>(X) written a letter to Santa Claus -- was I supposed to have stopped?
>(X) been kissed under a mistletoe
>(X) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
>(X) blown bubbles
>(X) made a bonfire on the beach
>( ) crashed a party -- would have been easy in college, but never tried
>(/) gone rollerblading -- no, because I've been roller"skating", and I was always the kid clinging to the wall for dear life. Uncoordinated like that, I guess
>(X) had a wish come true
>( ) humped a monkey -- someone out there has probably checked yes
>( ) worn pearls
>( ) jumped off a bridge
>( ) screamed penis in class
>(X) ate dog/cat food
>( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
>(X) kissed a mirror
>(X) sang in the shower
>( )have a little black dress -- does my graduation outfit count?
>( ) had a dream that you married someone
>(/) glued your hand to something -- I've glued my fingers together
>( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole -- loved when it happened in A Christmas Story. Television must have taught me something there.
>( ) kissed a fish -- saw a kid eat a fisheye once in a science class disection
>(X) worn the opposite sexes clothes -- there is double standard here, I know that now, but when you're drunk, mores and taboos go out the window
>( ) been a cheerleader
>(X) sat on a roof top -- yep, and did the jump off thing as well
>(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
>( ) done a one-handed cartwheel -- I've only done questionable two-handed cartwheels
>( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
>(X) stayed up all night -- never for a good reason but many times
>(/)didn't take a shower for a week -- not a whole week
>(X) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
>(X) climbed a tree
>(/) had a tree house -- Forts on the ground in the woods were the closest I came
>(X) are scared to watch scary movies alone -- only a few though. most are just a little too corny
>(X) believe in ghosts
>( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
>( )worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say -- if I had no style, it was completely on accident
>( ) gone streaking -- never beyond the boxers
>( ) played ding-dong-ditch
>( ) played chicken
>( )been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
>(X) been told you're hot by a complete stranger -- once
>( ) broken a bone -- got away clean so far
>(X) been easily amused
>(X) caught a fish then ate it -- it was cooked first though
>( ) made porn
>(X) caught a butterfly
>(X) laughed so hard you cried
>( )cried so hard you laughed -- might be nice though to come to that point
>(X) mooned/flashed someone -- that's peer pressure for ya
>( )had someone moon/flash you -- not specifically, no
>( ) made out with a member of the same sex -- not a chance
>(X) cheated on a test -- maybe once or twice, but we I was your age we didn't have them celly phones and computators to cheat with! We had to do it the old fashioned way!
>( ) have a Britney Spears CD
>(X) forgotten someone's name -- I feel guilty and try hard but am, nonetheless, bad with names
>(X) slept naked
>( )French braided someone's hair -- wouldn't even know where to start
>( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool
>( ) been kicked out of your house -- had the exact opposite happen. No, stay. Stay. Stay as long as you like. Weird. I'm glad that's over.